Tasting Gratitude

I'm currently watching "Making a Murderer" on Netflix (such a great watch if you're into that sorta thing) and there was a segment where the lawyers of Bendan Dassey were talking about the possibility of him being released on bail before Thanksgiving. She said, "Talk about tasting gratitude!" This statement stuck with me because after being in jail for 10 years for a crime you claim you didn't commit (I'm not here to say he did/didn't do anything, just watch the series, and come up with your own opinion) and hearing that there is a possibility that you'll be free, with your family in a short period of time?! That must be a true and undeniable feeling of gratitude. I'd like to think that I, myself have experienced such a feeling of unwavering gratitude but I guess I could truly never know unless I was in Brendan's situation. However, I pray that I never am. This statement prompted me to focus on the areas of my life that I find untainted gratefulness and how it is I arrived at, in my opinion what could be described as pure bliss.

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Physically Grateful

There are aspects of practicing gratitude that I've focused on more so within the last couple years of my life, thanks to tragedy and trauma. First aspect deals with the physical being of my make up. On 18 April 2021, I ruptured my patella tendon playing basketball. It was a no-contact injury that happened on a day that I originally planned on staying at the crib. This led to my first ever surgery, 12 weeks of physical therapy and a mountain of physical pain that I worked through daily to overcome. I have never been more grateful for all those years I've been able to just walk up into my bathtub, or even just sit on a toilet without assistance. For months, I was without this luxury! I was feeling sorry for myself daily, crying out of frustration and even contemplating taking all my pain pills in one sitting a few weeks after surgery (please don't freak out, this thought lasted a whole 1.5 minutes and I quickly remembered God's love that covers me. I know that suicide is serious and is carried out by the best of us. I had a lapse in judgment for a split second and I'm glad I didn't act on it. Forever sending prayers to those who have experienced such a feeling. National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255). Physically, I was unable to find the "glass half full" within my situation. It took months, hell probably the whole year and some change for me to truly find joy in walking up and down stairs, getting in and out of my car, driving myself without a demobilizer. This event took a huge toll on me because of the active lifestyle I lived prior to the injury. I was in the best shape, inside and out, I've ever been in, and it crushed me to lose all that progress. I am still working on getting my mojo back, however I have worked my way back to showcasing gratitude for the body I have and what it does for me. For that fact, I am truly grateful. I've finally been able to shift my gears into thinking about gratitude being a daily thing, something I can identify within myself and be truly appreciative of all that my body can do.

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Emotionally Grateful

I've always been truthful about my emotions. I accredit that to my childhood. My parents fostered an environment that welcomed honest feelings. As I got older, I realized not everyone had such a safe space and the discussion of emotions were widely considered taboo. Not so much with my friends but very much so with my romantic partners. I haven't had many of those by the way but the few I have had, was enough experience for me to understand the capacity at which my emotions would be understood. I don't think I ever was ashamed of my openness and/or willingness to express myself until I started dating. My partners in the past made it painfully obvious that my emotions or way I expressed them were a problem. Because of this, I tried to adjust for the betterment of the relationship. That is what I've always done. I've adjusted to make folks around me comfortable, especially if they were someone I cared for. This is something I am currently working on with my therapist, creating boundaries for myself and realizing that people can do the same adjustments for me, if I'd only give them the opportunity. Then, it would be obvious if they in fact are able to or not. In that case, it would then be up to me to decide if it is enough for me to continue to foster a relationship. This is an aspect within my life I am currently tackling, and I must say, has been the most rewarding. Being able to healthily express myself when needed and do so without reservation is a world worth living in. That is what I'm creating now and what has led me to feel such an overwhelmingly amount of gratitude for my emotions, their capacity to be genuine and expressed in an environment that is celebrated and not reprimanded, like in my past. I now understand that not everyone has the capability to be as transparent with their emotions for fear of rejection, judgment, or ridicule and therefore, are unable to truly be grateful for what expressing them brings! Without a release of tension, stress, anxiety, anger, etc. its kept within without any escape or reprieve. Without reprieve, there is no hope for repair or recovery. Becoming fully emotionally grateful is a gift that keeps on giving. I see no way for an individual to truly grow into their best self without embracing, addressing their emotional capacity.

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Mentally Grateful

My mother suffers from mental illness and has for majority of her life. I just wasn't unaware of this fact until I was around 22 years old. As soon as I discovered the truth, I became on edge about my own mental health, especially because I was told by professionals that what she suffered from is hereditary and could have possibly been given to me. They said if nothing arises before my 25th birthday, I should be in the clear. I've surpassed this milestone but still am always concerned, never with my guard down. Before all of this, I found no importance in my mental health at all. I didn't even think about it but then, I started to take a closer look at it and be truthful about how it looked. My mental health suffered greatly after the diagnosis of my mother. It continued to decline as my life changed in more ways than one due to the lack of routine, change in access to my support system and forever struggling life situations that arose as I navigated this journey. It was hard for me to get to point A to point B sort to speak and didn't become easier until I started to truly celebrate my victories. It could be as small as waking up to my first alarm and not snoozing it 5 times. Every action that I took to get 1% better than I was the day before, I now consider it a success! The amount of grace that I had to start showing myself during times of struggle directly helped contribute to my improved mental health. Instead of beating myself up for all the reasons under the sun, I had to shift my focus to the good that was occurring instead of the bad. You ever heard of Cognitive Delusions? If not, I'll put a forum post up about it before the end of the week. I highly encourage you to check it out and see if these are things you may experience yourself. Once I debunked these within my own mind, I was able to continue to freely flourish in my mental health journey. It's been a trying process but one that I wouldn't have any other way. All of this started with a choice, a decision to no longer want to suffer as I did before. I was tired of doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I now am focused on the reality of things; how can I improve them if need be and how the adjustments will shift the overall trajectory of my life. Being meticulous, thoughtful, and meaningful with my decision making has helped emphasize how grateful I am for the ability to do so at all. Finding gratitude in all things, including your own mental health is a beautiful thing that may not have been discussed in your household growing up but now can be a topic of great importance in the household you plan to/are currently building for yourself!

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These aspects, amongst others all work together to create a masterpiece that is you. A masterpiece that is constantly changing and that makes up several different attributes of life that come together as one cohesive being. There is effort that is required to achieve this, and that effort is never to seize. It is to always continue to be our best selves. Continue to put forth that effort! Always focus on the gratitude side of the house and remember that there are bad days but that doesn't mean it’s a bad life. Any life lived is a phenomenal one because life isn't promised. Gratitude is a prized possession that can be obtained at any stage of our life journey so let us all keep at it, keep seeking the highest form of gratitude within our own lives and continue to be a beacon of light for those around us because you never know who is watching. The truest form of pure bliss can come from something as simple as gratitude. No matter if it’s on a large scale like that of Brendan Dassey or as small as waking up on the first alarm. Finding gratitude in all things big and small can make all the difference in how you experience your life. It really is all what you make of it. How do you want to make your life?