What a week- &Its just Wednesday

Sometimes I feel as if I'm coming apart at the seams! Not all the time but sometimes. What I mean is that it feels as if the walls are closing in and I can't breathe. It can be because of the workload I have at the hospital or the chores that pile up at the crib...but sometimes just one thing on my mental "to-do list" could be the straw that breaks the camels back. This all may be coming off as a tad bit dramatic, but I promise that sometimes, this is my reality that I've constructed for myself. Its only on the bad days, that I feel like this and those days come and go. Usually with my monthly visits from Aunt Flow or with the unknown of my future lurking about, just the thought of the worst possible outcome could lead me to a black hole. The smallest infraction in my day or one negative thought could spiral into something that results to much bigger consequences and I'm doing my best to work through such catastrophes. I've listed a few things that I have started to do in order to give myself the best chance, in no particular order:

• Minimize my social media exposure

I would spend so much time glued to my news feed of people that I know, don't know, met once, etc. and be consumed by their experiences, opinions along with ads that my special agent believes is fitting for me and all of that would help shape a narrative in my brain that probably had no business in being there in the first place! This is the first thing that I noticed helped me gain a sense of reality within my own internal storms. I no longer was being influences by reels made by strangers on topics I internally believed are the root causes of all my problems. It's not social medias fault any of this would occur from my interactions but I am aware that I am not able to separate the fact from fiction, opinion from reality and not compare to what is posted vs. what is actually happening. I thought I was ready to dive back in last week but I wasn't so I deleted all social media apps once again.

• "Personal Bill of Rights"

This document lists 25 things that each of us has the right to do/feel. It lists a number of things that I forget or have told myself I actually don't deserve and being able to verbalize these things helps establish the real truth instead of believe the delusions I've created for myself. Here are some of my favorites:

-I have the right to ask for what I want.

-I have the right to change my mind.

-I have the right to say "I don't know."

- I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

-I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

-I have the right to determine my own priorities.

-I have the right to make mistake and not have to be perfect. (this is a heavy one for me because its hard for me to accept when I have made a mistake and that's crazy because I'm not JESUS so the fact that I expect myself to never make a mistake is unfair, unrealistic and irrational so this is something I'm working on)

• My (Earthily) Father

I've carved out time in my day that is specifically for my father. He is my biggest support system and always has been. Because of that, I am comfortable with sharing my most ridiculous feelings with him and know that he will give me honest feedback without making me feel unstable. He will laugh with me, cry with me, be direct with me, not internalize or personalize anything I share with him, is confidential and provides a sense of calm over me just by being himself. I'll talk to him 2-3 times a day, sometimes more when he is off work and just being able to do this has helped me maintain my composure, not overthink, stress or internalize situations/scenarios I may have created out of nowhere. There is no other person within my immediate circle that I've ever felt as comfortable, confident and outright unstoppable while around. We can talk for hours (and everyone who knows me, knows I love to talk) and about any and everything. I've had issues with comparing relationships with that of my fathers and have quickly realized that he is a unicorn. There is no one on this earth that is like him and I am extremely lucky to have him as my father and best friend to navigate this life. It's also unfair to think that every relationship of mines should be like the one I've had with my dad my entire life. Not only have we had years to cultivate this, but I am half of him and am the one thing he has always wanted...his daughter. His dream has always been to be a father to a daughter. Our bond was meant to be unrealistically strong from before the beginning. My relationships outside of him all have a unique place in my heart and reason for existing. I currently understand that more than ever. I am grateful for them all and will always remind myself that what I have with my father isn't normal, but a blessing nonetheless. I also should mention, if I were bald, we'd be identical.

• Create a Routine

I've always been one for routine, but now it's even more imperative that I establish one for myself, at least for the day and stick to it loosely. I don't put any pressure on myself if I don't get to everything, have to cancel or rearrange but having an outline is better then nothing for a "Type A" sort of person like myself. I'm currently incorporating a lot more of self improvement appointments like therapy, seeing my nutritionist, setting up a personal training schedule and even self-care dates like hair appointments. Its nothing wild but something that I can maintain over a long period of time that breaks up the mundane and overly active imagination I may have about any and everything in my day-to-day.

• Blogging

I wasn't sure the direction I wanted to go in when I first started this blog, but I'm quickly realizing that not only do I want it to document my ideals but also my feelings and day-to-day. I want it to be an open diary of sorts that others can reflect on as well as be a space for me to release whatever tension I may have caused myself. I can see or read something and think "this is relevant to my life because of how I've been acting recently" or something like that and just run with the idea that everything I just read and was randomly exposed to is the 100% truth about me and if it's negative then I'm sulking the rest of the day. That could them be projected on to the ones I love most or interact with the most and that will leave a sour taste in my mouth because of the poor experience I just had with someone I actually care about. All of this could be avoided if I didn't internalize, make everything so personal, latch on to any negative idea if the shoe imaginarily fits, etc. I've started this blog to have an outlet to decompress from these irrationals and I hope that as long as I continue to find ways to redirect my thoughts, I can live a more fulfilling life with little insecurities and doubts. That is the goal anyways.

• Positive Self talk

Whenever I'm told by someone that I'm so positive or they love my attitude and how I look at life, it makes me think that they don't know me at all. I'm actually a very negative person and think the worse possible things will happen to me but I guess I do a good job of keeping that hidden and not projecting that onto others. I'm working on fixing my internal compass to point in a more upward direction. Everyday, that means telling myself "that isn't true" or "where is your evidence?" to prove to myself that the negative thoughts are lies and there is nothing solid that can support them. Talking to myself internally or out loud has been a perfect mechanism to redirect my thought process. Also, laughing out loud! I noticed that I never did that when I was alone. If I was watching something funny or reading something funny, I wouldn't laugh about it. Now, I'm more aware of that and try my best to burst in laughter when I really feel like it. Feeling my true feelings outward is something I'm working on and if its negative in anyway, I address it as soon as I notice it and try to figure out what that is. Without any solid facts, I tell myself that I need to let it go and move in a more positive light. It doesn't always work but majority of the time, it does. It worked today and it changed the entire rest of my day to follow.

This isn't a comprehensive list of things that I've tried and do daily but probably the most important things. I'm aware that these negative and destructive thoughts not only cause harm to myself but to those close to me, those that love and and think the exact opposite of me! Everyone experiences a difference version of us and I know that those around me who see me exactly as I am, I know they love me regardless of the flaws. I know this to be true but why some days it's hard for me to love myself with the same grace, I have no idea but this is something that I'm working on changing everyday that I get the chance. Some days are harder than others, but that isn't always the case. I take the good with the bad, the hard with the easy and make do with what I got. Everyday, I make do. I know it's just Wednesday, but what a week it's already been! Tomorrow will be better because it's not promised and if I am allotted to experience it, it will be better just for the simple fact it's available when isn't guaranteed.