I feel broken, but it's okay.

It is no one else's fault either, besides my own. Let me tell you why.

You know how you know you shouldn't do something, shouldn't say something because you know better...but you still do it? You justify your actions and convince yourself that you're not actually doing anything wrong, just different? You believe that if you ask for God's blessing, to bless the decision you're making, you think that it'll work out just as you'd hoped and dreamed? Have you ever been in this situation before? I truly think that the last, at LEAST three years of my life...that is exactly where I stood. In a place where I knew better, but still persisted on. I knew better but I ignored the signs. I knew better but I still gave the benefit of the doubt. I knew better. The reason why I feel as if I'm broken, is because of my choices and I'm having a hard time accepting this truth. I know it is in fact, truth. I just am having a hard time swallowing it. I feel broken but it's okay.

I believe that I've always put others before myself because of how I was raised. My mother worked a lot, my parents were divorced so I had two places to call home and I was working for the family business ever since I could walk, up until I started playing organized ball as a preteen. All throughout my childhood, my mother and family needs came before my own. I don't remember ever being sad about that either! It was just how it went. As far as I could tell, my cousins and I all were raised that way. Family first. Do what you're told. Contribute to the household. I was able to express myself more so than my cousins (thanks parents for allowing that avenue), but I still very much was a mini adult, sort to speak. If I wanted something, I planned on how I could get it for myself. If I wanted to go somewhere, I figured out what bus to take, how many transfers it would take and how much it would cost to get there. I never asked for help from others, never expected it either. My childhood was very much about survival at all times, and I don't ever remember that being a problem for me. I just did what needed to be done and repeated the cycle for as long as it took. I'm 29 years old and I'm still doing just that. Repeating the cycle. Now that I'm an adult, instead of my mother and family being the one I'm trying to please and be accepted by, it's men.

This has to be because I was never chosen growing up. I was surrounded by kids who were already "dating" while we were in third grade! I know that the concept is silly, but as a child I always noticed how everyone else was chosen, but me. I see how everyone else saw others to be interesting and worth pursuing, but never me. I don't think at the time, it made me feel any less than, but I think unknowingly I carried that observation with me as an adult and when I was noticed, I freaked TF out because I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! I truly was beyond shocked when I had a dude approach me and show interest in me! I remember the time, place, what he was wearing, what I was wearing, everything! That is how significant it was to me at the time. I believe I was 19 years old. What a time to be alive, huh? LOL. Ever since then...I noticed that when I did get a guy's attention, they really didn't have to do much for me to play the part of "provider", just as I have as a child for my mother and family. I just automatically would take care of all things that I could, go above and beyond, put their needs first, the whole nine yards. &get this, I NEVER seen anything wrong with that. Never. Because of how I was raised. I thought that I was doing exactly what was expected of me and because of that, I'd be rewarded with attention, acceptance and reassurance that I am great, just the way I am. That is all until maybe a year or so ago. That is when it clicked to me...I have to prioritize myself first! I can't put all my eggs in one basket. What if that basket up and walks away? What if that basket mistreats me? What if that basket blows up in flames?! I was not thinking like this prior to a year ago. I was only thinking about what I could do to make my basket happy, whoever that was at the time. The last four years of my life, I was bewitched sort a speak by a basket that I should have left alone. I was bewitched by my damn self, if I'm being completely honest. This was no devil, no curse, none of that. This was just old fashion toxic righteousness, selfishness and delusion.

I feel broken, but I'm okay because I know that this feeling won't last forever. I feel broken because my basket has been physically removed from my life, I found out my basket was holding other folks' eggs in it, and I think my basket really was never my basket to begin with. I feel broken because God really tried to save me from myself with this particular basket, but I ignored Him. I IGNORED HIM. I swore that I knew better. I swore that my decisions would be BLESSED as long as I did right by my basket. I begged on my knees for my basket to remain intact and it's silly looking back on it now because I should have never entertained such a basket, LOL. Not at all. Regardless of the truths of the matter, there is still some good that has come from this! Clarity, being the first good. I am aware to all that is and am able to make sound decisions based on the clarity. Growth, being the second good. I am able to grow without any barriers preventing me to prosper. Grace, being the third good. I'm learning to show and give the grace that I've always lacked receiving growing up as a child and in doing so, I'm able to become a fuller more complete person. A new start, that is the best good of them all! I'm able to start again, give myself another chance to learn from the cycle I've repeated all these years. I have another chance to try again, get things better. I won't say right because what even is right? I have no idea, but I just know, I want to try things differently next time around. I feel broken now, but this too shall pass. I feel broken now but honestly, I needed breaking in order to rebuild myself into the version of myself that I'm deserving of being!

But only, by HIS WILL. This time around, I will put nothing in front of my Father. Nothing and no one. The lesson being taught through this brokenness is truly iconic and is exactly what I needed. I feel broken but I am okay!