The Evolution of my Perspective

I was brought up in an environment that fully supported my outward expression of my emotions. What I mean is, the community that was built around me, allowed me to be my authentic self, regardless of what that entailed. This meant that when I wanted to cry, I could for as long as I wanted and wouldn't be judged. When I was upset and didn't feel like talking, I wouldn't talk and was never made to feel that I was wrong for keeping quiet. If I didn't feel like smiling, I wasn't told to "fix my face" and fake an appearance. No one within my village or who was apart of my upbringing ever reprimanded me for the true feelings I experiences and how I chose to express them. This is all that I've known through out childhood, teenage and young adult years. Even the friends that I created over the course of my life never challenged me or made me feel as if how I felt or expressed those feelings was a negative thing. In a way, I guess you could say that my friends never really had boundaries with me. I was able to move, say, do what I wanted and was met with little to no resistance. Looking back at this sometimes makes me sad because I actually regret some of the things I said or did to some of the greatest people in my life. I wish I could go back but since I can't and I've decided that change was in order, I've made sure to learn from those choices.

Outside of my bubble, I never knew that people were constantly corrected for expressing themselves! I had no idea that children were being raised to fake appearances, be dishonest about their emotions and suppress them unless told otherwise. I was under the impression that I was amongst many others who were allowed and encouraged to be themselves fully and supported regardless if their emotions were excessive, understood or agreed with. To my surprise, that isn't the world that I actually live in! I was the exception, the unicorn if you will. The circumstances at which I was brought up in is not the norm and I had to quickly realize that the luxury that I was afforded, could not be said for others. This realization had to be the start of the shift in my perspective on life, emotions, expression, and where I wanted to fit within all of it. Now that I've moved outside of my comfort zone, built my own life and am establishing my own boundaries within my new community, I'm starting to see how my character traits effect those around me. I'm starting to see just how damaging I can actually be, even without trying to be. I'm realizing how I can still be my true self, without hurting those around me by my toxic ways of expression and I'm allowing my perspective to shift in ways that best serve me instead of work against me. I'm in the season of growth, people. That requires self reflection and what I was seeing when looking in the mirror was someone that required more thinking and less talking, someone who was very passionate but brutal with the delivery of that passion and someone who could offer so much more to this world, if able to effectively navigate it.

Letting Go

I was raised in an environment that allowed me to hold on and sit in my sadness, anger, etc. My parents never forced me to move on from something before I was ready to. They gave me space, time and showed a tremendous amount of patience with me. Thinking back, I see so many instances within my childhood where my parents gave me full autonomy to navigate my feelings without forcing me to adjust. There are pros and cons to this way of parenting in my opinion but ultimately, I only seen the positives of this method because I grew up to be completely and unapologetically myself, even if that version was sometimes upset, angry and bitter. My dad told me, "we wanted you to be too much, instead of too little because its easier to dial it back then it is to build you up." I say this because I'm in no way upset with my parents for my upbringing, in fact I am very grateful! I am just now in the season of "dialing it back". As an adult I've been able to hold on to resentment for extreme periods of time because that was something that was allotted to me growing up. Me being willing to let go of anger or sadness didn't occur until fairly recently! I credit it to my current relationship and life circumstances because together, they have helped change my perspective. Instead of looking at how negative a circumstance has made me feel and keeping that, I ask myself now "what is the purpose of remaining angry?". I ask myself if it's benefiting me in any way and the answer is always "no" so now I just let it go, release it from my mind and focus on the positive of the situation. If there isn't one, I shift my mind to gratitude for the life I have and go from there. That always helps change my perspective from negative to positive. I've been able to truly keep the past behind me, look toward a brighter future and be excited for what is to come instead of focusing on the possibility of repeated history.

Boundaries

When it came to my feelings, I was always able to express them freely. My parents told me at a very young age that even if I disagreed with them, they wanted me to tell them. I was able to let them know if I agreed with them or not and explain why I felt as I did. There were times I'm sure I was out of line (just because I know how my tone and delivery can get) but nonetheless, they still supported me being outspoken. Because of their willingness to accept me as I am no matter the stage in life or season, I have operated my entire life this same way! I believed that any and everyone would be the same way with me. How delusional and irrational, lol. This included my friendships. I was always brutally honest, blunt and expressive about my thoughts and opinions and my friends allotted me the same freedom my parents did. I believe this caused a disconnect to reality for me. I had a distorted reality within my comfort zone that repeated the narrative that I can do and say as I pleased, when I pleased with no consequences. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I have since made it very clear to my friends that if I cross the line with them, I'd like for them to tell me because I would hate to disrespect them in anyway. They still stand by the fact that they were never truly upset or offended by me growing up and in fact praise me for my courage and directness. Even though I know there are positives to being this way, I also know the damage it can cause as well.

In my previous romantic relationships, I had very little boundaries meaning that I allowed my partner to do/say what they wanted. I believe this was a pattern of mines because I was more concerned about making sure their needs were met so I didn't give much thought to my own. This caused toxic environments and trauma bonds with men who had no right to have access to me to begin with. The combo of lacking boundaries with my past romantic partners and with those within my comfort zone had created this chaotic place in my life where on one hand I was running wild and free (at the mouth lol) and the other I was crippled by fear of abandonment. What a terrible place to be stuck between. Reflecting on this now, brings me so much peace because seeing where it is I started vs. where I currently am is illuminating. The love I've been able to establish within my current relationship and the grace I've been able to show my friends and parents by creating my own boundaries when it comes to communicating with them has fostered an environment I never even knew existed for someone like me! It's made living every normal day, joyous. It's brought my parents and I closer together. It's help establish a sense of comfort within my own home because me and my partner are able to communicate effectively and share our concerns with one another without fear of an argument or misunderstanding. It's created a stronger bond, deeper love and respect for each other as well. I never gave boundaries much thought growing up and I even fancied the idea that they would cause divide amongst my parents, friends and family if I created them. That was once a perspective I held close and believed to be true. In reality, the opposite is true. As I establish boundaries, my bonds with those who truly respect me continue to grow stronger! I've realized that the boundaries themselves help create and strengthen connections overtime. Without them, people treat you how you don't wish to be treated, you grow resentful and never actually get to heal from it because you don't let it go nor does it stop since no limits are ever established. My perspective has shifted tremendously when it comes to boundaries and I truly believe this particular shift has saved me.

Priorities

My thoughts on what was important before are so different from what they are now. Before, I believed it was truly important to say everything that I thought, when I thought it, however I saw fit. Now, the thought of sharing every single thought I have makes me cringe. It also makes me think about how rude, offensive and off-putting I must have been when I would just word vomit my thoughts and opinions that weren't even asked for. This is not to say that you shouldn't speak your mind. If you believe your thoughts and opinions deserve dominion in this physical world, they deserve to be heard by whoever's ears, by all means! If being this way has never raised any skepticism within yourself and you genuinely see no issues with being this way, then continue to be you. I support that whole heartedly! For me though, this way of communicating and operating in life was not serving me any longer. The older I got, the more I valued being heard verses being tolerated. I actually wanted to have understanding or a least a chance of having it. Not thinking prior to speaking would make it very difficult for me to be understood because of what I'd be saying or how I'd be saying it.

This was very much the case in my relationship and prior to the shift in perspective, it didn't bother me. I thought "nothing is wrong with me because this is how I've always been and it has never been a problem so why would I change now?!". How exhausting it must have been for people around me to opt out of voicing their own concerns and establishing boundaries with me because I'd just dismiss them completely! My priorities are different now. I value those around me, their boundaries and outlooks. I value my time and space. I

value moving at my own pace, not being in a rush, feeling gratitude and practicing it daily. I priorities my mental and spiritual health over my monetary achievements or career advancements. I prioritize my time to be spent enjoying my loved ones, not holding on to grudges and being upset about the trash not being taken out. Keeping the main thing, the main thing is what I've been doing more of lately and the main thing will always be maintaining healthy relationships and self talk above all else. Perspective and shifting it to what brings me the most value in life has been the game changer this season. My question to you is, what is your perspective of life and does it need shifting?